My Dearest Allergan:
The last few months have felt like a dream–you and I idling away the hours by the Irish Sea, picking out a spot for our new corporate cottage, singing the names of the staff we were going to keep, whispering the names of those to be laid off. Now we will have to comfort ourselves with what might have been. I particularly regret having left it to our corporate counsel to let you know the sad news–that it’s over. I should have had the courage to tell you myself. It probably felt terribly sudden and cold, it’s not how I wanted it to be, but I think you know it’s best for both of us.
You may be wondering–Was it all about the money? Is that why I am leaving you? No, of course not. Well yes, that’s a big part of it, but not all. We come from different backgrounds, you and I, very different cultures. You being from Southern California, er I mean, Ireland, me from….well I’ve lost track at this point–it’s all very confusing. I’m not sure who I am now, and I don’t want to burden you with it all. To be honest, I’m not sure I ever really got over Astra, she still haunts me. I have a lot to think about, as does my Board–two failed engagements in two years, I just don’t seem to be good at the relationship thing.
As the Pfizer counsel probably mentioned, I am sending you some money–I know it’s not much, but at least it will help you with a fresh start.
There’s just one more thing. You deserve honesty, and you shall have it: When you smile, your mouth kind of changes shape, but your eyes don’t move at all. Nothing. Nada. It sort of creeps me out. You might want to dial back on the Botox, I think you may have overdone it.