As the United States prepares to celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday that traditionally mixes gratitude and gluttony in relatively even proportions, we at Pfallergan would like to say how grateful we are for the fortuitous conjoining of our two constituent companies. There are critics who claim that this merger epitomizes the worst of corporate gluttony, but we believe that it is a celebration of American ingenuity at its best, exploring and exploiting the legal path through and around the burdens otherwise unfairly imposed by outdated allegiances to patriotism, morality, and the Tax Code. We answer to a higher authority–our Shareholders, and the Analysts to whom they turn for guidance.
Those who have reported that Pfallergan will pay various advisors over $300 million to provide counsel regarding this joining of our two companies must surely recognize that, for this scale of remuneration, we have been guaranteed access to wisdom of Solomonic quality, albeit with a contemporary, pragmatic bent. Even though the payment of that remuneration depends upon the completion of this merger, we feel fairly certain that if there were any cogent reasons to not go ahead, legal or ethical, that someone would have mentioned them in passing, even if not in writing.
We are grateful that our legal counsel found a way to construct this transaction as one where Allergan could appear to be acquiring Pfizer, while Pfizer shareholders end up with the majority of Pfallergan, and I get to keep my job. What a country: America is a terrific place to do business, one which has made it possible for us to prosper, with the highest drug pricing in the world and occasionally aided by federally funded research. It is a shame that the United States would not cut us a better break on our tax rate, or made it less expensive for us to bring back the $95 billion that we have stashed offshore. We are grateful to Ireland for existing, and offering us a shore upon which to land our craft. And we are grateful to our scientists, to whom we will offer industry-standard severance packages as we gradually de-emphasize the research to which they have devoted themselves.
Thank you for your time and attention. Now let’s go gorge ourselves with turkey and football!